Heaven doesn't feel far away anymore, cause you are my heaven

"Keep giving me hope for a better day
Keep giving love to find a way
Through this messy life I made for myself
Heaven knows I need a little
Hope for a better day"

Been feeling weary dreary and down in the dumps due to the changes in the edexcel syllabus these days. I don't know why I still feel it's an immense waste to have gone for January intake (now that we are going for CIE anyways)  while I could have enjoyed 3 months of post-spm life with my friends, stayed at home with all types of comfort, led a healthy lifestyle with all the time in the world to workout in the gym, and most of all, get my driving license. But then again, that's life. With life, you can never get the upper hand. It's always filled with unexpected twists and turns, and whenever you think you've got it all in control, you turn a corner, and suddenly boom, a huge bomb drops out of nowhere and leaves you stumped, at loss for words. 

Yes, the edexcel system is pretty screwed up; and yes, I think the British are pretty damned selfish for changing it just like that for the benefits of their people. I guess there's only one solution, that is to stand strong and take it all in stride with good grace.

Went for a movie marathon today with Shintien! Oh gosh it's been so so long since I've been this crazy! Two movies in a row, spontaneously. It's was like 'eh, this one look nice, lets watch this'. Reminds me of how much I miss my high school friends, how I can be lame, random, spontaneous and totally myself without being judged when I'm around them.. When I hang out with (some) of my peeps in kl and their friends, I have to watch myself. Don't say this, don't say that, or you'll get judged, scolded and dissed in front of people. ESPECIALLY, when there are people of the opposite sex around. Keeping quiet ann d only saying things that you think are smart just to impress them? Puh-lease I DONT THINK SO. I detest people like that.  I really dont enjoy zipping my mouth or holding back things when I'm around people. I like letting loose, giving it all I've got, even if it seems crazy, stupid, idiotic and foolish, because that's what friends are for! I believe in enjoying myself and having fun with them, even if it means looking like total fools and idiots to the rest of the world. I seriously don't give a shit. ;)

Of misplaced trust and old friends and never couting regrets

Wants to blog badly, clicks on 'new post', forgets what to blog about, closes tab.
Thats exactly what I've been doing for the past few days. I have SO SO much to blog about. Thoughts, feelings, opinions, anger, hatred, happiness, contentment; all jumbled up inside, fighting for release, but most of the time I just give up cuz I dont know where to start. Ugh consequences of being lazy to blog heh heh heh.

Sometimes I wonder how other people see me. I would give anything to be in my friend's shoes for a day, to see what type of person I am to others, to hang out with myself, to see if I really am what I imagine myself to be. But then again, I'd be scared. Scared of what people think of me, scared of what type of person they really see me as. What if I'm not what I think I am? What if I'm far from it? What if, what if..?
Going through a self-doubt phase these days. Seeing myself as a failure. Antisocial, uninteresting, boring, ugly, overweight, untalented, immature, useless, stupid, desperate, and the list goes on and on and on...
And it's all because of this one person.This one person whom I regarded as one of my closest friends not so long ago. And this one person who changed so much, that i can hardly recognize her anymore. Gaining popularity at my expense, scolding and dissing me and making me look bad in front of friends, bossing me around like I can't make decisions on my own. Trying wayyyy to hard to be popular, in my opinion. Far from what I'd expect from her.  I guess it's true when they say "when you have a good heart, you trust too much and too easily. You give too much. You love to much, and it always seems like you get hurt the most"

Sometimes I think I should just stand up for myself, instead of going along with everything. I guess that to some people, backing down in an argument seems weak, an act of cowardice, but for me, backing down and apologizing does not necessarily mean that you're weak. It means that you treasure this friendship, and you'd rather back down, tolerate, and be marked as wrong instead of ruining this friendship. But now I really dont think this friendship is worth anything anymore. It obviously doesn't mean anything to her, so why must I be the only one trying to salvage it? Most of the time it's better to let go than to hang on to something that just isn't meant to be :)

Been playing a lot with Faith lately. I guess during times like these, music is my remedy. And the fact that we're playing duets just makes it all the more better. The perfect harmony and flawless melody soothes me, despite the fact that our playing is far from perfect. There's something magical about duets, the way the notes blend perfectly together, the fact that one part would sound bland and boring without the other. Played untill our fingers were swollen purple, and our chests hurt, but in a good way. It's been so long since we've experienced pain like this, and it only made us miss our music journey for the past five years all the more. Missing chamber orchestra, AMCCO, PPO, performance/ cover of Viva la Vida during events, and all our other musical ventures, competitions and performances. :/ Music has been a huge, immense part of my life for the past 17 years. I've been playing music for as long as I can remember, and I miss it, so so so much. D:

Results for semester exams were better than I expected, quite satisfied with em :D Particularly happy that I got such high marks for literature though. Never really expected a 75 and above for it :D but still, there's much room for improvement. Got As for both C1 and C2 maths, which was kind of expected, but nevertheless, never expected such high As for both :o Chemistry was mehhhhh considering i did all the questions before. And BIO. urghhh so not satisfied for bio! It's my most confident subject, and I got lowest for it out of all my 4 subjects. Must work so much harder for it! :/


Going back for AMCCO concert this saturday! Missing my juniors much and looking forward to it!
Time to sleep peeps!
Ciao ;)