Of misplaced trust and old friends and never couting regrets

Wants to blog badly, clicks on 'new post', forgets what to blog about, closes tab.
Thats exactly what I've been doing for the past few days. I have SO SO much to blog about. Thoughts, feelings, opinions, anger, hatred, happiness, contentment; all jumbled up inside, fighting for release, but most of the time I just give up cuz I dont know where to start. Ugh consequences of being lazy to blog heh heh heh.

Sometimes I wonder how other people see me. I would give anything to be in my friend's shoes for a day, to see what type of person I am to others, to hang out with myself, to see if I really am what I imagine myself to be. But then again, I'd be scared. Scared of what people think of me, scared of what type of person they really see me as. What if I'm not what I think I am? What if I'm far from it? What if, what if..?
Going through a self-doubt phase these days. Seeing myself as a failure. Antisocial, uninteresting, boring, ugly, overweight, untalented, immature, useless, stupid, desperate, and the list goes on and on and on...
And it's all because of this one person.This one person whom I regarded as one of my closest friends not so long ago. And this one person who changed so much, that i can hardly recognize her anymore. Gaining popularity at my expense, scolding and dissing me and making me look bad in front of friends, bossing me around like I can't make decisions on my own. Trying wayyyy to hard to be popular, in my opinion. Far from what I'd expect from her.  I guess it's true when they say "when you have a good heart, you trust too much and too easily. You give too much. You love to much, and it always seems like you get hurt the most"

Sometimes I think I should just stand up for myself, instead of going along with everything. I guess that to some people, backing down in an argument seems weak, an act of cowardice, but for me, backing down and apologizing does not necessarily mean that you're weak. It means that you treasure this friendship, and you'd rather back down, tolerate, and be marked as wrong instead of ruining this friendship. But now I really dont think this friendship is worth anything anymore. It obviously doesn't mean anything to her, so why must I be the only one trying to salvage it? Most of the time it's better to let go than to hang on to something that just isn't meant to be :)

Been playing a lot with Faith lately. I guess during times like these, music is my remedy. And the fact that we're playing duets just makes it all the more better. The perfect harmony and flawless melody soothes me, despite the fact that our playing is far from perfect. There's something magical about duets, the way the notes blend perfectly together, the fact that one part would sound bland and boring without the other. Played untill our fingers were swollen purple, and our chests hurt, but in a good way. It's been so long since we've experienced pain like this, and it only made us miss our music journey for the past five years all the more. Missing chamber orchestra, AMCCO, PPO, performance/ cover of Viva la Vida during events, and all our other musical ventures, competitions and performances. :/ Music has been a huge, immense part of my life for the past 17 years. I've been playing music for as long as I can remember, and I miss it, so so so much. D:

Results for semester exams were better than I expected, quite satisfied with em :D Particularly happy that I got such high marks for literature though. Never really expected a 75 and above for it :D but still, there's much room for improvement. Got As for both C1 and C2 maths, which was kind of expected, but nevertheless, never expected such high As for both :o Chemistry was mehhhhh considering i did all the questions before. And BIO. urghhh so not satisfied for bio! It's my most confident subject, and I got lowest for it out of all my 4 subjects. Must work so much harder for it! :/


Going back for AMCCO concert this saturday! Missing my juniors much and looking forward to it!
Time to sleep peeps!
Ciao ;)